How to keep your daughter from dating the wrong guy

In fact, she is beside herself with worry and disapproval. Yet she swears he is the love of her life and she defends him!

We want him to stop seeing her and find a girl who is appropriate. If only it were sensible. When young people are crazy in love, it can seem really crazy to the adults around them.

At times, it can seem like the biggest mistake your child could make. At times, it can threaten the very fabric of family life and the larger family culture. When that happens, parents are challenged to the depths of their souls. Is your love for your child bigger or smaller than your commitment to an opinion, a belief or value system? You want your adult child to be happy and safe. Your hope is that your disapproval will bring your child to his senses. Forcing an adult child to make the choice between the parents who raised him and the person he loves always ends badly.

Cutting off the child will only cut you off from the wheel of life. Does all that really outweigh the fact that you think the choice is misguided? Even when our children become adults, we are more adult than they are. Managing Your Relationship with Your Son or Daughter So how do you manage it when your child loves a disappointing someone? Romantic love is more powerful than loyalty to parents, at least in the first flush of new romance.

Objecting will only make your child even more committed to his choice. Sex is a powerful reinforcer. You have nothing as rewarding to offer. If you force your child to choose between yourself and the love of his life, you will lose.

Actually, you all will. State your concerns seriously and thoughtfully ó once. Ask to have a private meeting with your child. Outline your concerns calmly and logically. Reaffirm your love for him. Do not allow yourself to get defensive or angry or threatening. Take the time to get to know the new partner up close and personal.

Invite her to dinner and family outings. Have her over for coffee. Talk, really talk about what interests her and what she is passionate about. Find out how she understands their romance and what she sees in their future.

Stay interested and dispassionate. Either your anxieties will diminish or your child will see for himself the issues that make you anxious. Find something to admire. You may not be able, at least yet, to love the person your kid loves ó but if you work at it, you can probably find something to admire.

If nothing else, the fact that she is able to withstand your disapproval deserves some grudging respect. The fact that she loves the child you love puts you on the same side. Know when to drop the argument. Your child will always be your child. But an adult child is exactly that ó an adult. He has the right to make his own decisions and his own mistakes. Let him know you wish he saw it your way but that you will do your best to embrace the person he cares so much about.

Then work on it. If there are children in the picture, focus on them. Provide whatever emotional support you can for the difficult job of raising a child. Loving the little ones can lead to love, or at least respect and some like, among the adults. Most important, love your adult child. Maybe things will work out just fine. Sometimes it just takes time for everyone to warm up to each other. Sometimes the person who seemed so wrong turns out to have been exactly right.

But if it all does fall apart, your love and reasonableness through the whole thing will make it far easier for your child to come to you for comfort and to learn from the mistake.

For the other side of this equation, see here. Marie Hartwell-Walker is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education.

She is author of the insightful parenting e-book, Tending the Family Heart. Check out her book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem. Retrieved on September 17, , from https:


Q: Dear Dr. Carver, Thank you for your brilliant articles. Sadly, our beautiful, talented, smart, witty daughter of 22 has been dating a 'loser' for six years. How to tell your friend she's dating the wrong guy. like us on facebook. If you saw your daughter trapped in a speeding car headed for a cliff, would you stand by and watch, hoping and praying.

Total 2 comments.
#1 15.12.2018 –≤ 14:05 Hc.:
In a blog I already read a similar topic

#2 17.12.2018 –≤ 07:34 Hlsjeff:
Firs, beautiful work